6.30.2005

Jonathin Antin (Blowout) = wrong on so many levels

I fess up...I've watched the show from the beginning..I'm hooked. This guy is quite possibly the biggest drama queen ever. Come on! What kind of man cries over a hair care product? Furthermore, what kind of man rushes to his shrink to talk about it?

Let's examine the facts as I see them:

He is handsome. Albeit, in a white trash kind of way. (think Patrick Swayze) He's got that trailer park-boy-made-good face with the deep set eyes that are a little too close together and a naturally muscular body that comes from lifting car engines out of a 77' camoro. The guy has probably spent a small fortune on a nip & tuck here and there but he still has that "edge" to him that says, "I wasn't always like this". And his voice. Oh. My. God. I hear him speak and the first thing that comes to mind is a wife beater tee, a LazyBoy, and a luke warm Budweiser. When he talks I don't hear "The name on the door says Jonathin. Now hand me my curling iron", I hear instead, "Gawd dammit, get your ass back in that kitchen and order me a pizza, bitch. And you can suck on my pecker while we wait".

A drama queen indeed. He has obviously spent A WHOLE LOT OF TIME around gay men. Not your typical run of the mill gay guys but the stereotypical limp wristed, swishy, flamboyant ones. You know the kind. The ones that are ALWAYS interviewed on the news when there is a Gay Pride parade or some queen shoots another queen in a drunken brawl over another queen. Feather boas and face glitter in tact. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, Jonathin has spent so much time around these girls that he's picked up their lingo, mannerisms, and attitude. On any given episode I expect him to say, "Mary, if you look at me like that one more time I am going to slap(th) the pee outta you and make you drink every drop(th)".

His hair cut. Note the singular here. Hair CUT. He does one. And he is more than happy to tell you how he perfected it 25 years ago and that it's his trademark. Uhhh, Jonathin, honey, long layers have been around since you were a wee lad riding your big wheel into on-coming traffic on the narrow road in front of your mobile home and your mamma's standing there in her housecoat (cigarette in her mouth) yelling, "get your ass back in this yard or I'm gonna beat the shit outta you!" Granted his haircuts (the ones shown on the show anyway) are great. And his customers look so pleased. But for $400 they damn well better be great. And when you do the same haircut over and over all those years of course you have it perfected. Duh. We should be thankful he didn't invent the mullet.

What about all this crying? How many grown men cry like that? And over such stupid shit too. If he gets a compliment from one of his employees he gets all choked up. Which is like everyday with them all kissing his proverbial ass 24-7. Or when someone makes him angry. "This(th) product isn't what I ordered. I can't use this(th) shit!" Then he slams it into a wall and begins to cry. I have this to say, BE A MAN, GIRL and suck it up. Life ain't always fair.

OK, so you wonder why do I, someone who isn't a famous hair "stylist" (never call him a hair dresser or he'll cry and throw something at you) care about this man enough to spend 1/2 an hour blogging on him. Well, I don't actually. It's just that he's funny enough to make me laugh out loud (which is rare) and he's annoying enough to make me pause the show on the DVR and think "wow, I'll write a blog about this asshole". Basically, It's my space and I can do what I want. So stop questioning my reasoning about it or I'll cry and throw something at you.

In summary for those who are still reading my rambling: The man is cute. And that polished but rough exterior look is kind of hot. IF I were single (which I'm not) and IF the occasion ever arose I'd do him. ONCE. At his place so he wouldn't know where I lived. And then I'd give him the wrong phone number, "Call me, baby", so he wouldn't cry or throw something at me.

I'd also pay $400 for a hair cut from him. IF he did men's hair, IF I could get an appointment, and IF he could do something other than long layers. The only reason would be to tell him it looks "OK" and ask if he had someone else who could fix it. Just to see him cry.

4 comments:

Petunia McGillicuddy said...

gosh! that made me wish for a few moments that I had big guy muscles from taking engines out of a whatever year whatever car that was so this guy would get all misty over me! who-hoo!

oh wait, I'm a girl.

Hikaru said...

Rumour mill has it that Jonathan plays for our team.

Ah, bearding.

Steven said...

SO well written! Jonny-girl is SUCH a bitch! Here you have a "guy" doing HAIR, for chrissake, trying so hard to sell the facade that he's this macho "dude" that keeps his "chicks" in line the way a Detroit pimp does. He just does it with a Valley girl accent, that's all, dude. :P Sheesh, just come out of the closet already! He IS entertaining though. I watch all the time, just praying for his failure. I'm not going to support the show's sponsors, but I'll watch...

SSilver567@aol.com said...

Great assessment! I'm an old fag hag & hair "demo model". I've had some of the finest burners (slang for stylists) do my younger tresses. I was hoping this would be a good showcase for talent.

Instead, few hairdo's are shown. JonBoy refuses to do Red Carpet updos (he probably doesn't know how); as U stated, he just likes this modified angel cut that Allen Edwards did for Farah Fawcett & her angels 20 yrs ago! Did U know that in early days of Vidal Sassoon; having to use a curling iron was a sign of inferior skills and cut? If a woman wanted glamor; she was sent to his friend Gene Shacove or Neil Sloan!

JonBoy has NEVER referenced another hairstylist as role model. Instead he tells his staff about fashion photogs being his "muse". Sorry, but there is no comparison. Those stylists need to be exposed to lots of different stylists and methods to really upgrade their own skills.

AND, guess what? U were right on about his misogony. He was arrested for a violent "domestic" issue. Paper did not say whether gay or hetro. Rumor has it that his Secie has gone by-by.

I did meet the fabulously talented Brandon Martinez in NYC, near where I live at Warren-Tricomi. He is a prince of a guy and talented to boot. The staff of this high powered salon really seem to take to this Beauty! Brandon is very stable and appropriate in salon setting. Unfortunately, not the wild child he appeared to be at JonBoys Barbers.

Thanks for the great blog!