1.11.2006

A broken promise, a sock, and a tanning booth

So for 6 months now I've bitched at my young blog buddy Jay about his going to the tanning beds. I've told him countless times how dangerous they are and that they'll turn your skin into the consistency of cracked shoe leather. Furthermore, I [promised that I'd never step foot into a tanning salon again. So what do I do? I get a one month membership for myself. But I have a reasonable explanation: It's just for a month and then I'll go back to the spray tans and I am going to the Eastern Caribbean for a week need a solid base tan so I don't burn. Well, as it turns out I got the burn anyway.

So I call up the tanning salon I used to go to. Actually it's a chain of salons with about 5 locations but this one was closest to my home. Come to find out I still had my "Gold" membership with them (from 10 years ago? Hello?) and got a smart discount for the month - $55 for unlimited sssions in the premium booths. Here I go on my lunch hour up to the salon. I hand over my Visa card and fill out the required update forms. When the time comes I'm pointed to the Turbo stand-up booth which I requested. I have this little thing now about laying down in the beds after reading how a salon in Atlanta, Georgia had an infestation with pubic crabs. Yep, people were getting crabs from laying in the beds. Ghastly I know.

Enter the booth: I've done this before so I know the routine. I strip down to all my glory and neatly lay my clothes on the teeny, tiny little chair. (This is where it gets good) I've had a bit of experience with the stand up beds so I learned a few tricks along the way for protecting the "boys" from overexposure. I put on my goggles to protect my eyes and then I put on my tanning sock. (Can you see where this is going?) I'd brought with me a clean sock that I place over my equipment. Yes, I could wear a jock or a bathing suit but I prefer no lines thank you very much. Besides, I'd learned the hard way (no pun intended) that the big guy and the boys tan VERY quickly and will turn about 6 shades darker than the rest of me if I keep them exposed. Not a pretty sight. So into the booth I go wearing only goggles and my sock.

As soon as I hit the power button the lights came on and completely surrounded me with warmth. The motor of this powerful machine kicked in and then from out of nowhere (the floor of the booth actually) came the wind. I'm not talking a soft breeze like a personal fan may provide but a serious and constant flow of wind. Enough wind to cause my hair to stand up and my sock stand up. Yes folks the black dress sock I'd attached was blowing all over the place. It was then that I started cracking up. I guess you'd have to experience this for yourself but there is something very funny about seeing a long black sock flopping all over the place uncontrollably.

Now let me clarify something here for the record. It so happens that I grabbed 1/2 of a pair of unusually long dress socks for the occasion. Had I picked a normal size sock I can assure you that there would have been no excess material flying about. Enough said.

I can only hope that the machine was loud enough to block out my 9 minute session of constant laughing but the attendant did give me an odd look as I left. I'm guessing that he either heard me laughing and thinks I am truly insane or he saw the long black so that I carried in my hand.

9 comments:

Mr. Brian said...

Thank you for the most entertaining story of the day. It was so easy to imagine the wild, wind-thrashed black sock that it was all I could do not to laugh too loudly.

But I'm certainly glad you had a good time of it, too!

Spider said...

All I could think of was you in there singing, "You're a grand ole flag, you're a highflying flag" - or fag, whichever you prefer...

Micah said...

LOL! I'm thinking you just invented something...I don't know what, but "Wind Sock" has already been taken...

The Dangerous Man said...

Lol, that reminds me of when I first started going on and I was still amazed by the technicality of it all. What with the brilliant blue lights that slowly turn white and the fan delay of about 5 seconds.
Bloody hot though.
I manage 15 minutes before I get off. I always go in with my boxer's on and take them off once I'm in the booth. Be careful though Pookie, the tanning booths are highly addictive. Once you've got just a little bit browner, you wont stop! Trust me, I know.

cola boy said...

Oh to ahve a video of that. ;-)

Petunia McGillicuddy said...

hee hee hee sock it to me!

Scotty said...

THAT made me smile. I have not tanned in many years but the last time I went (just before I was heading on a cruise) I used the stand ups and I loved it...quick, easy. HOWEVER, I got major burn on the boys and it felt like I had been kicked in the nuts for a day after!!! UGH!

Badaunt said...

That's hilarious. JPEGs please!

costlules said...


So I call up the tanning salon I used to go to. Truly it's a chain of salons with about 5 locations but this one was closest to my house. Come to find out I nonetheless had my "Gold" membership with them (from 10 years ago? Hey?) and got a smart discount for the month - $fifty five for limitless sssions within the premium cubicles.
http://www.sun-beds.com/engineering-production-custom-tanning-booths/