During the process of and the act or re-reading this post I've made a conscious effort not to revise or edit. Hell, I'm not even going to run a spell check because that will give me opportunity to change my lines and thoughts. I'm using this post in hopes of learning, growing and understanding "me" today.
My life has become a soap opera sans the drama, romance, intrigue and excitement. I feel like I'm starring in a show about nothing. I've been prone to bouts of boredom and even depression since I was 15 but this feels different. I don't think that depression is rearing it's ugly head again because the symptoms just aren't there. And trust me when I say that I recognize the symptoms. After more years than I care to remember of dealing with on-off again anxiety disorder and clinical depression I know what it feels like and this ain't it. If it were then I would know what to do to get back on track. No, this is like I said earlier, I really feel like I'm the lead character in the most boring show to hit the airways.
What I'm going through has nothing to do with my relationship with T. He remains the most wonderful influence in my life and nothings changed in regards to him. My work remains consistently profitable and enjoyable. I still love what I do and take pleasure in doing the best job I can do. My new home continues to nurture, protect, and embrace me. No one in my family is ill or going through anything unusual. Financially, I'm not hurting. In fact I've got money in savings, retirement, checking, wallet, and laying around in drawers at my disposal. In black & white everything seems pretty damn perfect in my life. So what gives with this "new role" all of a sudden that's taking my inner self and turning me into a 2nd rate actor in a 3rd rate show that has become my life? Mid-life crisis perhaps?
I know that I need to be doing something but not sure what. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something to happen....for someone to hand me a cue card and tell me that "I'm on". But that director-someone seems to be taking as much time handing me the script to my next scene as I seem to be taking in doing something...anything in changing this funk.
I'm bored. I can't seem to shake the fact that there is very little that I want to explore.
I am procrastinating. When I should be doing something...anything I just feel like waiting.
I've become one dimensional. The layers of "me" are peeled down to the very plain shell.
I feel anxious. Not like panicky-anxious but a bored anxious. A simmering stew of nothing that when it eventually boils over won't even leave a stain.
I want to do something outside of this current role but I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize my status with this role. I want to take chances and expand my character in this boring show I'm in but I don't. Perhaps because when I was younger I took too many chances and made reckless decisions. I'm smart enough to not make the same mistakes twice but I've become so "cast" in this role that's my life that I'm unable to make changes at all. I'm also too smart not to jeopardize my relationships and livelihood. Thus the dilemma at hand.
I feel somewhat energized after writing all of this down. I feel like I've made notes for a new plot to my character that I'm eventually going to hand over to the director and demand be written into my show. What I also feel like is that I see my mid-life crisis coming and I want to be ready for it when it hits.
FYI: The theme song for my incredibly boring soap opera is the utterly boring:
In Some Small Way (by the incredibly boring Celine Dionn). (Blaghhhhh)